Hello Friends,


Whether it’s moving to a new place or someone taking a long vacation or a relationship dissolve after a disagreement or even death.

For a lot of people, going away can be a negative abandonment issue/loss or it can also be a good and healthy thing, closure.

It doesn’t matter how you view it - everyone has a memory of someone or something "GOING AWAY."




1) What’s your most memorable moment of something or someone going away from you?



2) What’s your most memorable moment YOU have of leaving/going away from something or someone?



3) Has anyone come right out and said to you, ’don’t go away?’



4) When people go away (death excluded) - do you think it has more to do with their own inability to ’deal’ with a situation/they feel uncomfortable, or do you think they have commitment issues in sticking something out (a job, a relationship, a contractual deal, etc.)


5) Do you have any abandonment issues today affiliated with something or someone going away? And when someone pushes those buttons, does it trigger that initial memory? Do you get angry? Sad? Withdrawn? Reflective?

i have a very long story to say on this one....
but im off to work right now....

Sonya Kahn wrote:
Hello Friends,


Whether it’s moving to a new place or someone taking a long vacation or a relationship dissolve after a disagreement or even death.

For a lot of people, going away can be a negative abandonment issue/loss or it can also be a good and healthy thing, closure.

It doesn’t matter how you view it - everyone has a memory of someone or something "GOING AWAY."




1) What’s your most memorable moment of something or someone going away from you?

I think like I was 3 or 4, our beloved gato, Pedro ran away. I wuz so sad and mad. But later we found out Pedro was a girl and was having kittens, she came back. hehe

2) What’s your most memorable moment YOU have of leaving/going away from something or someone?

My mama switched my schools in jr. high, there were gangs n’ she didn’t like it. I had to go away from my friendz and everyone at school. It was tough because my homies were cryin.

3) Has anyone come right out and said to you, ’don’t go away?’

Oh yea. All the guyz I leave behind. hehe 8-) j/k

4) When people go away (death excluded) - do you think it has more to do with their own inability to ’deal’ with a situation/they feel uncomfortable, or do you think they have commitment issues in sticking something out (a job, a relationship, a contractual deal, etc.)

You mean like when they just turn around and go away from you? For sure! Ppl are scared of good things as much as they are scared of bad things. Ppl leave all kindz of situations because they can’t deal!


5) Do you have any abandonment issues today affiliated with something or someone going away? And when someone pushes those buttons, does it trigger that initial memory? Do you get angry? Sad? Withdrawn? Reflective?

I guess if I have issues with abandonment, its more to do with ppl and their issues. I don’t have patience to like deal with what they can’t figure out. I say if they wanna go away, itz their loss missin out on what I have to give.



This is way awesome stuff, gf!!! *smackers*

Sonya Kahn wrote:
Hello Friends,


Whether it’s moving to a new place or someone taking a long vacation or a relationship dissolve after a disagreement or even death.

For a lot of people, going away can be a negative abandonment issue/loss or it can also be a good and healthy thing, closure.

It doesn’t matter how you view it - everyone has a memory of someone or something "GOING AWAY."




1) What’s your most memorable moment of something or someone going away from you?



2) What’s your most memorable moment YOU have of leaving/going away from something or someone?



3) Has anyone come right out and said to you, ’don’t go away?’



4) When people go away (death excluded) - do you think it has more to do with their own inability to ’deal’ with a situation/they feel uncomfortable, or do you think they have commitment issues in sticking something out (a job, a relationship, a contractual deal, etc.)


5) Do you have any abandonment issues today affiliated with something or someone going away? And when someone pushes those buttons, does it trigger that initial memory? Do you get angry? Sad? Withdrawn? Reflective?

Most memorable moment. I have lost all of my grandparents, I had an ex-wife walk out on me. My most memorable moment was when I learned about the death of someone I had a 10 year on again/off again relationship that, looking back on it from almost 20 years, involved a lot of emotional abuse inflicted on me by her.

Of me going away, that would be when my parents moved me out of my hometown of Chicago into the middle of nowhere in Kentucky. Talk about culture shock.

Oh, I’m certain I’ve walked away from situations because I couldn’t or quit wanting to deal with something. But I think if the situation called for it, I would fight to keep something. I think I tend to withdraw when the wrong buttons are pushed. When situations are too much like "the situation", if I feel uncomfortable, I withdraw. Could that simply be my excuse for not wanting to commit? Its possible.

Have I answered all of your questions? No? Oh, 3. Yeah, you told me that, or words to that effect.

2) the most memorable moment of leaving /going away is when i went overseas for 2 month and i did not want to come back to australia cause i had to much fun and i am leaving my whole family there

3) nope no one has said to me that don’t go away cause i think that i am not that much important to them

1) What’s your most memorable moment of something or someone going away from you?

That would be the time when my former wife packed up her things and moved out of our house just before Christmas years ago.


2) What’s your most memorable moment YOU have of leaving/going away from something or someone?

Deciding to end my engagement with someone I was very much in love with.


3) Has anyone come right out and said to you, ’don’t go away?’

No, but I think that could be either endearing or threatening depending on the circumstances.


4) When people go away (death excluded) - do you think it has more to do with their own inability to ’deal’ with a situation/they feel uncomfortable, or do you think they have commitment issues in sticking something out (a job, a relationship, a contractual deal, etc.)

I’d say more often it’s an inability to deal with something, and it can also be a very impulsive decision.


5) Do you have any abandonment issues today affiliated with something or someone going away? And when someone pushes those buttons, does it trigger that initial memory? Do you get angry? Sad? Withdrawn? Reflective?

New situations don’t trigger any other memories, but in each case I tend to go into a delayed depression for a while.

This topic is actually hits really close to home for me.. I have major abandonment issues. Its one of my biggest fears.


1) What’s your most memorable moment of something or someone going away from you?
Most memorable? There are many memorable times.. When my NOW X-husband ran off to California in our only car, with every dime we had, left me here with our 4 month old, no diapers, no food, no baby food, no anything.



2) What’s your most memorable moment YOU have of leaving/going away from something or someone?
When I moved out the first time, I left on bad terms. My Dad & I had a big fight & I up and left. which I regret every day ever doing. It broke my parents hearts & Was a really stupid mistake


3) Has anyone come right out and said to you, ’don’t go away?’
Yes once.



4) When people go away (death excluded) - do you think it has more to do with their own inability to ’deal’ with a situation/they feel uncomfortable, or do you think they have commitment issues in sticking something out (a job, a relationship, a contractual deal, etc.)

I think there are a lot of different reasons.
Some people dont know how to deal with certain situations, so they run.
Some people are afraid of commitment, so they run when it starts getting serious.
Some people refuse to grow up & accept things or compromise even, so they run.


5) Do you have any abandonment issues today affiliated with something or someone going away? And when someone pushes those buttons, does it trigger that initial memory? Do you get angry? Sad? Withdrawn? Reflective?

I know I have abandonment issues. They affect my life every day. They are really hard on my emotional stability. I feel very left out a lot. and that triggers panic that I am being abandoned or am going to abandoned again. Its definitely an internal battle everyday. Which sucks. I think my low self esteem doesnt help with this. But I havent figured out how to fix that one yet either. I do try to overcome both issues. But havent succeeded yet.
I do get Angry, I get sad, and yes I do withdrawl...
Because my mind wont let me forget those certain painful memories.
Which makes it rough on my current relationship, unfairly so.

4 maybe 5 years ago, I was stood working in a shop, as security, when I was talking to another guard outside.
As I stood there I became very aware of a and entity, a presence, within the centre of my shop
As I turned, contact blue eyes, like a shallow ocean, as that’s how they moved as I stood firm like a rock
The corners of my mouth turned, her lip shaking subtly as she mouthed the words
‘Oh hi’
Grinning, ‘hey’ as she walked past
‘Take it easy’, as I see her cheeks slightly blush
As she walked on
3
2
1
Clicking fingers
She turns
As she crosses the road
One final time
3
2
1
Click
One final time she turned looking grinning before she disappeared!
Attractive girl and I’m giggling!
Later
How much later I have no idea as it was such a long time ago
Despite knowing the chorology just, time is a little murky again
I found myself amid the chaos that is retail on a Saturday morning , keeping the crazy balance between sensing things around me, the intent, mental contact,
Or being over whelmed by the influx of ever ones emotional content and states of being
(This can be a down side to special talents which we will examine later)
In that hustle and bustle this girl came out of the blue, she even now is faceless in my memory as she asks ‘hey do you want my number?’
As I mouthed the words
‘That’s very sweet of you but I’m married’ my mind said something completely different
‘Someone is going to phone the shop and ask me that’
Not a ‘normal’ thing to think and certainly not and every day occurrence?!
One week later
A quilter Saturday mid afternoon
Radio call
‘Mike I need you up stairs’
Running up
‘Tom what’s the matter?!?’
Holding it out across the counter…’phone call for you’!
The conversation went along these lines
‘Hey is this the security guard with the Mohawk/ponytail?’
‘Yes it is!’
‘Well my friend wont shut up about you do you want her number?’

My exact thoughts were…. If I hadn’t have thought this last week would I say yes now?
‘So yeah ok does she have a name?’
‘Yeah Gina… (Number)….she just needed a push in the right direction
The following conversation via text went thusly
‘Hi Gina who the hell are you?’
‘I’m Gina who are you?
‘Topshop, security, Mohawk, enough said?’
That’s when two things happen
‘Oh yes you certainly do have a prescience about you (yes there is something about Mikie)

And

I get a life story
34-35 year old woman, two daughters, split from long term partner
Loosing house, lost her job as one daughter was in and out of hospital with kidney problems. She was going through total and utter transition.
After about 20 text messages of everything she’d been through her final message was

‘Why did I just tell you all that?’

It didn’t matter if I wanted it or not (I didn’t), but my consensuses said I couldn’t back away from it either!
Weeks followed and I became a voice on the end of a telephone, or a kind text message or words of encouragement. In two weeks she came to see me, by coming to see me I mean she picking her kid up from hospital, I didn’t resent it, but there was no grate effort, that encounter was maybe 2 minuets, then I became a voice again.
Then just as things are going in right directions and you get on top of things
Shit hit the fan.

My wife found out

The reaction that followed was an over reaction
She accused me of all sorts of things, saying I was having an affair or if I wasn’t the intent was there, that I was going to run off with my premade cosy family?! Etc etc

Yeah maybe I should have told her, but since I wasn’t actually doing anything wrong, I mean how can a few words of encouragement be a bad thing?
And IF I would have said anything
She would have said ‘tell her to F-off I don’t care if you have had premonitions or not, and no body else’s problems are yours!’
People have commented before about how much of a ‘bad man’ I am for ‘putting my wife though that’
Was trying to enrich lives a bad thing then?

Irrespective of how I felt or what I wanted I erased her number and that voice went silent.

I’m not saying I’m was right or wrong in my actions.
All I’ll ask is who is more selfish?
Demanding that someone stops doing something they feel is right as it might upset them or runs contrary to their way of thinking or social norm?
OR
Not doing what you think is right because it might upset someone you love!

Ok so is this starting to sound relevant to the subject of good bye?

Well time passed
One day I’m stood in a queue on my lunch, there was that girl with the blue eyes again.

She pleasantly jumped when she turned and I was towering over her!
‘Oh hi what are you doing? You ok?’
‘Yeah good I’m on lunch and a lil pressed for time!’
‘You still in Topshop?’
‘Yeah I am’
Blushing a lil ‘Oh cool I work around the corner ill come and see you!’
‘yeah I’d like that!, oh I’m mike!’
‘Tasha!’
I walked away knowing she’d never come and see me, but all the same hoping she would, a few weeks later I covered another shop. But on lunch I was in the same supermarket, and she was quite oblivious to me as she walked past.
For some reason I said nothing. The feeling I had was moderately akin to getting hit relatively hard around the head, as she passed I was struck by a sense that she would have a profound influence in my life, she was surrounded by chaos!

Of coarse I concede that this can be a self fulfilling prophecy, if there is any other kind?

Then something decidedly brutal happened.
I’d worked in that place for 3 ½ years. Slogging my guts out, driving crime down to a minimum and I protected staff and customers as best I could.
They exiled me!
Reason…. I was ‘stagnating’
That I wasn’t doing anything. The absolute problem is I worked hard to not do anything, my ethos was pure deterrence.
I did what everyone had asked me to do, stop crime before it happens, the government that trained me, the company who employed me, the shop that I was stationed in
Even God it seem all said

‘Protect life!’

So I was sent away!

Before I left I thought about the connections I would make, the ones I would miss,
Suddenly thinking about Tasha, despite only ever having less than 3 minuets with her in my life, the ones I would re-establish and I knew I would see Gina again!
So I left Topshop

There were no goodbye’s there was no thanks for the hard work!

I couldn’t stand it there, apart from one thing, I’m not sure if Sonya can remember the conversions we had over 3 years ago?!? But
Sunsets I always got amazing views of the sun going down there at the end of my shift.
In that time I thought of our dear Sonya a lot.
I remember that summer being hot, hotter still sweating in body armour, the broken air con, that only worked for the management team in their office, but off on the shop floor, not really knowing where I was in that ivory tower, and which side of the void I stood between staff and management, I think it was the worst job I’d ever had!
Just before the end of my tether, who should walk in?

Gina!!!

So again a brief encounter, and exchange of numbers, weeks followed and I kept asking her to meet up with me, she shrugged me off a lot all I was doing was looking for answers!

Why did I know I would see her again? I had no idea she lived around the corner to where I was posted!
Where was this troubled mind leading itself?! And what effect would it have on her children?!

But then there was so much asking I could do so I just stopped!
(I didn’t give up I just stopped)
And I got my transfer out of hell
October…I moved into shop Ann summers
To you reading this across the pond it’s like a Victoria secret but it sells adult toys and videos
Early November 3rd 4th 5th???

Wednesday morning

Waking 4 am and despite no contact for well over 2 months
I couldn’t get Gina out of my head!

For 10 minuets really intense thoughts then I fell asleep.

Sometimes answers have a strange way of finding you as opposed to you finding them!

Waking at 8 am ish that Thursday morning the first thing I did was send a text

‘Hi Gina was having 4 am in the morning moment last night are you ok?’

‘No I’m not!’

‘You were in your kitchen in the dark crying weren’t you?’

‘How the hell could you possibly know that?’

‘I told you I was psychic!’

So again over the course of a few weeks we started to open up dialogues

And going around in circles I ended up in Topshop again
This time around really taking the piss, I had nothing to loose

Late November

Talking to one of the guards as I’m stood in Ann summers


How did I miss her coming in?

Blue eyes again that blush, hhhmmm a little bite of her bottom lip as our eyes made contact.
She had something about her today! She stepped in between me and the other guard
‘Oh hi I haven’t seen you in a while!
‘Yeah been to the darkest depths of Avon meads!’
‘So you here now? So you not in Topshop anymore? ‘
‘Yeah I cover that too I float a bit…its Tasha isn’t it?’’’
Surprised and pulling back
‘How did you know that?’
‘You told me you dohnut!’
‘Oh did I? When?’
‘In Tesco’s that time about January!’
‘Well it was really good to see you!’
She went, Ian giggled…’nice’

Following weeks I had phone conversations with Gina
She was telling me how she was dreading Christmas, she had no heating, no money, her kids weren’t going to get much and her head was in flux and couldn’t seem to get stable!
Later that week I got the best Christmas present a man could ask for

It was a cold and grey day
That cold murk had descended on my fair city
Every day for 3 ½ years at 3 pm I would grab a coffee at my local star bucks, when I worked in Topshop
And today was no different
(Coming going and coming back again)
Today was no exception with time and coffee!
As I walked along in that murk I finished the call to my wife about her ever present morning sickness. That had again lasted all day
As I approached star bucks I terminated that conversation
And Tasha was standing there. On the phone she looked up at me
Spoke into her phone
‘Ill call you back’ then hung up
Me not being one person for beating around the bush
‘Are you alright?’
‘Yeah I’m fine!’
‘Are you sure you don’t seem it!’
‘No I’m far from alright!’
‘Do you want to come inside and talk about it?’
‘No I can’t I have this “out of work meeting”, he’s gonna be here soon!’
‘Oh ok sure!’
No here is the bit I wasn’t expecting

‘I was going t find you tomorrow and ask if you wanted to come out for a drink or something’
‘Well I’m off tomorrow, how about coffee this time on Wednesday, I’m working in Miss Selfridges!’



Wednesday came
3pm I waited, and waited, 15 minuets seeming like a prison sentence!
I left it as late as I could with out the shop management getting chopsy with me.
So I left for lunch

With my last £15 I bought Gina a hot water bottle.
Some hand warmers that you can use over and over again, you boil them to recharge them. And a box and CD of meditation
I figured that I might not be able to heat her flat
But she could still stay warm, I also knew that changing attitudes and perceptions is an internal process, one that could be initiated by wise words and understanding!

After I bought all three things I thought bugger
I cant actually send them, I had no money too!

So I waited until pay day

Mid December! I had this box with these 3 thing sitting there for almost 2 weeks
At the first opportunity that day I went out the back to get that gear.
George bless her was talking to me…
Mid conversion I just said to her

George this is really interesting but I have to post this box right now this minuet

It was an insane urge that it had to be done there and then
So I walked out of my building and into the shopping mall
And literally physically bumped into tasha!
We’d both converged at the corner of a shop

She told me that she came in at about 20 past 3 that Wednesday
I told her I must have missed her by minuets!

So I said I gotta post this but you free for this coffee now?

We went up to the post office, the girl behind the counter had known Tasha since she was a baby, and I’d know her for some time since she frequented my shop. Lovely girl really but a completed bimbo

So this is where it started!


we sat there and made her small talk what we did professional wise where our spare time went, you know the hum drum stuff, but still good to hear as its what makes up part of you.
we talked about goals and aspirations...
she said to me she was on a diet! I asked her why as she looked grate as is!
I also said to her what happens when you reach your desired weight? what then? do you change your eating habits back?
she was surprised by the question....
time was short for me so we parted, I dint give my number, I just said it was good to see you come find me at work and we can meet again!

we hugged then departed.

grining on the way back I could feel the future coming
when I got back to work, I was struck by a very ugly thought.
and a sickness to my stomach. I keyed into the subtle sub text of dieting!

I cant remember when I said it,
But to one of my myspace friends, I told her what was happening as it unfolded!

(Unfortunately my inbox goes back to….15/3/2007 lol that message being from sonya)
(kick ass moves!)


The message I sent went along the line of saying that I found this attractive girl, how clearly likes me, but, it would be nice for once for some one to like me because they do
Not because I can help them out along the way, just to be attracted to me!

Thinking about it right now, maybe that’s me anyway!?

So in the following weeks

She would come to see me!
The small talk quickly subsided. Since I don’t like to beat around the bush.
At first she was worried about telling me some of the major things in her life.

So I made it easy on her.
She said ‘you know your words stuck with me, and I wondered what you meant, by changing my eating habits?!’

‘Oh that, how long have you been anorexic for? How often do you purge? What is you average caollire intake? And this is a realtivly new thing for you?’

Its funny how a lot of the time that scares people, then other times they trust me implicitly!

So we talked

Then for a few days I dissapeard again

Then we met up again
More things followed…. she wanted to tell me things
But like me I’d already penetrated the façade.
And I was usually at least 2 conversations ahead of her
She had no Idea how I did it either.
Some say its all coincidence
Some say I use a form of psychology to work things out
Some believe im psychic and I have a special gift
Any is good for me
It doesnt matter how it works as long as it works
A little like driving a car in that respect. As long as you know you put your foot down and it goes then that all you need to know isn’t it?

It was a week before Christmas. I had no money so I drew her a picture!
She was taken back, how did you know I collect pictures of angels?

Odder still I wrote her out a card, and I almost wrote in it
Thanks for giving me your number at 1.50pm today.
Bearing in mind I was writing the card out at 9am

Well just before I left for work at 2
I said my goodbye
She said hey. Take my number its less hassle than all this running around.

Looking down at my watch 1.51 pm

Hhhmmmm!!!

Back then, they (the shops, I worked in) hated me having my phone on me.
And indeed using it at work.

So it was always on silent

Funny really as I didn’t need it to be on vibrate or ring anyway
I do this to a high degree anyway
But with her it was 99.9r% of the time

She’d text me.
One of two things would happen
I’d look at my phone and the message would be sat there less than a minuet
Or I’d take my phone out of my pocket and text would pop up

I’d think of her she’d text.
I’d text ‘are you ok?’
To which she would reply
‘I was just thinking about you!’

January time I was at work, and I had some weird displaced thought about her jumping off the side of a building

We met up that day…she says to me
‘mike I really don’t know how to tell you this’
‘let me make It easy for you….how close were you?’
‘huh?’
‘How close were you? to dying? How many times you tried?’
‘You knew, and you are still here talking to me?’
‘I’m not here to judge, What did you use? Razor blades?’
‘a teared up coke can actually!...once when I was on holiday with my family I wanted to throw myself off of a cliff!!’


Well I be damned I thought!

Not long after that, or there abouts she started seeing this lad
Chris
To quote ‘as a distraction from me’
I think this was the first stumbling block

So here was the connection
Something special a lot of people would say

But I told you before we would examine the down side to this

She was being medicated
Anti depressants
With a bi polar disorder

At first I would text her
‘get out of your bath room, don’t even think about purging!’

Always span her out that I knew

It took time and trust, for her to open up to me, but then she found her self saying things to me ‘that she hadn’t told anyone before’

That’s just me, I get that all the time, particularlyy odd since complete strangers usually do that, strangerer still when people on the bus used to sit next to me, confess all their sins then leave me feeling a tabewildereded!

We took it back to he root cause
The abuse from her schizophrenic step dad
Was the first factor
Being rapped twice was the second

They really do take something from you and it can never be replaced
If I was completely honest, if I ever caught a perpetrator in the act of that crime
I don’t know what limit I would place but things would get broken!

Yeah she opened up to me and it was hard work and determination
And at times she got better

But it didn’t stop her
We started to see-saw
When she was good she was really good

But it would slip

Chris would be less than understanding

Or the egg shell got crushed underfoot

And this is the down side
If she took her medication
I’d feel fuzzy and whacked out
If she cut at first I’d feel an itch
Then a burn then a sharp pain
Or that’s sickness in my stomach when the self inflicted hunger got to much
Or every time she did purge

I maintained through out
I could not change her
I couldn’t even help

What I could do is listen
And be there for her

I guess the age old saying rings true here.
You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink

But this is where the problem came.

She told me all the time that she wished she was more like me
That I had this confidence about me
I kept telling her to not mistake confidence with what I have.

I was bullied a lot in school, when I was very young I tried to fit in, so it would stop.
But I found that them more I tried the worse it became, because at its core bulling is a simple form of control, it would seem those who seek to control others, have no control over their lives.
So eventually I stopped trying to fit in, yes to a point I was still bullied, but that didn’t matter because I was happy enough doing what I do, never once have I set out to deliberately harm another being, and what harm was I doing if I didn’t follow fashion, if my hair was a mess? If I didn’t have the latest Nintendo or nike trainers? Etc etc

So it’s not confidence I radiate in that respect, I just don’t really bother with people who take a disliking to me for me being me!
Since that early lesson taught people will like you or they wont!

But that didn’t stop her trying to emulate me
And failing quite a lot at it.

See, now here we were, I was coaxing her out slowly
Feeling everything she was doing
And it was amazing to start to see a change, it was like a flower finally finding the sun and opening up.

I watched her once or twice from afar, she didn’t know I was there, which was funny because every time she came to see me, she always got within a meter of me and I’d turn around catching her by surprise. But anyway, she was really closed if she walked down the street, arms folded and hunched over.

Then when we would walk around town she was up right and proud even

I found myself saying to Natasha, she was no longer tasha, ‘I don’t care how you are in my life I just want you in my life’

It’s the I don’t cares that get you into the most trouble

Its funny how sometimes the things that make us can also be the things that break us

Because we were in town once, just talking
And I was holding her hand.
My sister in-law spotted us
Then that’s when the shit hit the fan

For all of us

Instead of her asking what I was doing, she reported back to my wife that I was in town with this girl and holding hands

I’d already told her that I was just being there for someone….
But it didn’t stop her going completly over the top again
No don’t get me wrong I don’t completely blame her
But there only assumptions and rumours

Of coarse it messed everything up, it was working, really working
Slowly but surely, then someone had to take the rug out from under us
For a few days she ran back to Chris, and his uncaring semi abusive ways

Me I was dropped into a ultimatum
One that didn’t really need to be said

‘never see this girl again, or never see your unborn child!’

She wanted my instant answer to be

‘of coarse dear you two are the most important things in my life!’

But there was no way on earth I should be expected to say it
She should have know that!

All it did was hurt immensely


All she achieved in doing was driving a wedge between us

Or indeed driving it in further

Since thought out this I maintained that
Long long ago she had decided to never trust me

She had this habit of giving me this inquisition of
‘who are you going with?’
‘Where are you going?’
‘What time will you be back?’

Every time I went to do anything

You know for years I just stopped going anywhere, it was a lonely time for me
It was also hard to talk to her a lot about my own innate abilities
Such as
‘Hey I was just thinking about a girl I know…..’

It was always shot down in flames

‘oh fancy her do you?’

Our communication had collapsed way before Natasha
Way before Gina

And it took that for both of us to realise it

As some of you may know
There is a proverb
‘Crisis is both danger and opportunity’

The straw that broke the camels back was

‘you wish this baby were dead, as then you don’t have to deal with it!’

Out of everything, every nasty things that anyone has every said to me
That was the worst thing in my life

‘What kind of man do you think I am?’

Horrified I left

I got on my bike and went to the only place I could go

No matter what you done, they have to let you in…..Home

After calming down, and riding at 70mph in a 30 zone

I devised my strategy

Then called Natasha and told her it wasn’t over!
(prophecy had to play out some how, I wasn’t done with her not by a long shot!)

Like HELL I was going to loose seeing my daughter grow up

It was a time of thick psychic fog for me
And it was funny how people like to give me their advice/opinion/judgement without knowing anything about the situation

I went back
She had calmed down a lot but I don’t think she can really ever take back those words.

So I told her, I didn’t want children in the first place, but there is no going back, so lets do the adult thing here and sort out our differences. We need marriage counseling

Saying if we don’t sort this out then there is no point and we part company right now

I guess that was my ultimatum, and no I didn’t enjoy forcing that.

For the large part it worked.

Natasha was still there though, my whole world turned upsides and my head folded inside out.
I still felt her harm and I still felt her turmoil.

The trouble is, I could no longer tell where I ended and she began (or vice versa)

For the large part my plan seemed to work

Now here is the odd thing that happened (as if the rest of it was ‘usual’)

our marriage councillor convinced my wife to meet Natasha, saying that sometimes you have to meet the enemy to know its not the enemy
she did meet her 3 times
the craziest time was when Natasha came to see us in hospital after Vicky had given birth.

But the thing that was completely flawed in all of this mess, was that it was all incredibly one sided....

in the following weeks, it became clear that Natasha didn’t actually give a fuck about me...
she didn’t care that I needed time and space to sort my family issues out, that I couldn’t any longer just drop everything to make sure she was OK.

She started getting a little nasty

one thing that really hurt was

she asked me to talk to her sister on msn as she was feeling down

so I cheered her up

her sister was 13

one thing we did was write stories, for 13 she was really good!
Given time and encouragement that talent could be cultivated into something great.

But it was actually Natasha which told me to stop it...that it wasn’t right me talking to a 13 year old girl online. It would seem that society doesn’t make concessions for student/teacher relationships.

Maybe if I had more encouragement when I was younger I’d be a brilliant artist, rather than an excellent one.


What bothered me is after all me and Natasha had been though she should have known me better...

anyway...I couldn’t be a good father with her in my life....

so what happened?

She was seeing this lad Chris who was ’a distraction for me’

he seemed to cause more problems than helped with. She’d moan and bitch about him al the time, then tell me she needed him.

When they eventually collapsed, you guessed it

she started doing shit loads of harming and gave me a sodding head fuck to go with it...
what also devolved in this time

was.....

the moment she ended with Chris, she shacked up with a lad called Ben, they lived opposite each other.

I met him

I cant fault the guy....one of the nicest blokes you’d ever meet.

There relationship developed.

As I started to slow detached myself from it.

In the final act with that....

I ended up being really shitty about it...

in the end I did something out of character, I was nasty....

I lead her to believe everything I had said and told her was a lie
that all that time the pushing her up wards to make a better life for her self was all shit.
That in the end im not great, that I am horrible man just like the rest of them.

I did that all via text as well to seem even more weasly and weak...

why did I do this, that way?

Sometimes when you push you dont need to push hard....
you just need to push subtlety
because if I did such a thing...

she would run straight to Ben

it would ultimately re-enforce everything they had together, and there would be no distraction from him because of me

In her mind there would be no ’what if?’

nobody really knows what I did there, and I dont look for validation, or judgement in anyway from these word.

The day is tarted writing this 8 weeks ago... (yes I know)
I’d just gotten out of the bath, and I was sat there, my two year old daughter was running around.

She stopped as she saw me sat there looking at her.

She ran up to me open armed

she was giggling as I looked down into her bright blue eyes.
I had a little memory of what had happened 2 years ago
I though to my self as I ran my fingers though curly brown hair, that a father couldn’t be more proud, and that im glad that I didn’t take any ultimatums
that I made the right choice.

And thought that with a glad heart.

So you know what happened later that day...

I went into facebook

friends request

Natasha....?

it was her!

I looked at her pics

she look pretty in her wedding dress, Ben looked dapper in his suit!
I could make out the tiny hands and face of the baby on her scan.

I hovered over the button for a little while
I hit the deny and block
then in my best britsolian accent I thought

jobs a good un!